One of my biggest desires for this page is that it is full of honesty and that it reflects the reality of life with Jesus. I don’t believe in sugar-coating Christianity. I do believe in a God who walks beside me even in the hardest seasons of following Him.
Almost a month ago, I shared a post focused on Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I shared how I struggled to find comfort in those words until I read the entire passage and was reminded that seeking God first precedes the instruction not to worry. Though I didn’t explain it at the time, the anxiety I was fighting when I wrote this post was the fear of losing our baby. And what I didn’t know at the time was that our baby was already gone.
Two days after posting those words, at my 17-week appointment, I learned our baby didn’t have a heartbeat and hadn’t for almost three weeks.
The very thing I was anxious about had happened.
Looking back at the words I wrote in the middle of my fear, it would be easy for me to feel angry, jipped, or cheated. As if because I was honest about my anxiety, searched God’s word for comfort, and learned to seek His will first, that I was entitled to a happy ending—relief from the anxiety and a healthy baby. But that’s not how a life of loving our Lord works.
I’m not entitled to a happy ending.
I don’t regret a word of that post. And I felt all of it—the anxiety, the frustration, and the realization of my need to seek God’s will first.
Today, I reread these words I wrote, “I wanted to be freed of my worry, but I had failed to seek God first. I was afraid my plans and my desires were going to be wrecked, therefore I worried. I wanted relief from the worry, but I wanted my own way. Instead, I should have focused on the truth that God loves me more than I can understand and that He has good plans for me (even if they don’t match my own).”
Even if they don’t match my own . . . even if they included the exact thing I was anxious about. I still believe His ultimate plan for me and my family is good. And there is such beautiful peace in trusting God even when I can’t understand.
It doesn’t erase the pain. It doesn’t magically make me strong and invincible to heartache.
But His presence in the pain carries me through it. His faithfulness in past struggles gives me the strength to walk through a new season of difficulty.
If you’ve come here looking for a message of “if you love God, you’ll live an easy life,” you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re here because you want encouragement through the beautiful AND difficult steps of walking with our Lord, I’d love to travel beside you. Together, we can share real life and real Christianity.
*You can read the original post here.